<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Learning to love again by Iwazumis_left_kneepad</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29198898">Learning to love again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwazumis_left_kneepad/pseuds/Iwazumis_left_kneepad'>Iwazumis_left_kneepad</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Coping, Depression, Gay, M/M, Self-Harm, relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:41:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,060</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29198898</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwazumis_left_kneepad/pseuds/Iwazumis_left_kneepad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a big fight, Oikawa won't answer any of Iwaizumi's calls. It's been over a week, and Iwaizumi hasn't heard from him. Then in the middle of the night, Oikawa turns up at Iwaizumi's apartment, in tears.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Learning to love again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwa’s POV</p><p>KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. I’m woken up by pounding on my apartment door. I check my phone for the time, and see that it’s almost three in the morning. Who could possibly be at my door at this hour?<br/>I try to ignore the pounding to my door, and go back to sleep, but whoever is outside doesn't let up. I groan as I pull myself out of bed and stumble to the door. I open it to see my boyfriend standing in the hallway, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him. <br/>Oikawa and I had gotten into a big fight a week or two ago, and we haven’t spoken since. I tried texting and calling Oikawa, but he never replied.  I don’t even remember exactly what our fight was over, but whatever it was, it didn’t seem worth the rift that had grown between us as a result. <br/>“What the hell, Oikawa? No call. No text. I haven’t spoken with you in over a week, and now you’re here. At my apartment, at three AM. You better have a good explanation for this shit you keep pulling.”<br/>Oikawa raises his head, and I notice the tears streaming down his puffy, red face. I gasp slightly at the sight of them. Oikawa cried all the time, but usually the tears are a show he puts on to get his way, or earn pity. These tears are different. These tears are real.<br/>“Shit come here,” I say, guiding him into my apartment, and sitting him down on the couch with me. “Are you alright?” I ask. That was a stupid question, of course he isn’t okay. “Is there anything I can do?” I ask, reaching to wipe the tears off of his face. Oikawa swats my hand away, and mumbles something that I can’t make out.<br/>“Can you repeat that for me?” I ask. Oikawa tears start falling faster, and I pull him into a hug, unable to comfort him with words. “It’s alright baby, you’re alright.” I say, attempting to sooth my melancholy boyfriend. “Can you tell me what you want me to do?” <br/>“I- I want- need you to hurt me.” Stammers Oikawa. I tense up at his words, knowing what they mean, but not understanding them. I’ve hurt Oikawa before, but it’s always been in the bedsheets, with safewords. And he’s always been in, oh how do I say this...the right headspace? <br/>“I’m not going to hurt you.” I say, running my fingers through my boyfriend’s hair. Even though he is asking for it, it feels like I would be taking advantage of him in this state. I can’t do that to him. <br/>“Please Iwa-chan? If you ever loved me- just for this night- I need you to hurt me-” Stutters Oikawa. It’s as if his mind is running faster than his tongue, because he starts a new sentence before he can manage to finish his current one.<br/>“How about you tell me why. Why you ignored me for a week. Why you didn’t answer my texts or calls. Why you show up at my apartment, without warning, at three in the morning. Why you are so hell bent on getting hurt. Please, Oikawa, I would really like to know” I say.<br/>Oikawa’s lip trembles violently and he buries his face in my shirt, sobbing even harder. “Please, Iwa, just for this night, hurt me, then I’ll be out of your life, I promise.” he says, the words barely making it out of his mouth.<br/>“No. I don’t want you out of my life. I want you to stay with me. I’m not going to hurt you, Oikawa.<br/>“Please, please Iwa-chan. Please, I don’t have anyone else to go to.” cries Oikawa.<br/>“I know you don’t baby, but you have me, I’ll take care of you, don’t worry. Can you tell me why you’re here though? What happened after our fight?” I ask. Oikawa has completely lost it now, violently sobbing into my t-shirt. I rub his back to comfort him, and notice him flinch slightly at the touch.<br/>“Iwa, please, just hurt me. I don’t want your kind words or actions, I don't deserve them.” cries Oikawa.<br/>“Is that what this is about? You don’t think you deserve me?” I pry. <br/>“No, Iwa, please. Just do something, and make it hurt. Leave a scar, so maybe next time I’ll see it and be reminded not to be so stupid and careless.” Oikawa begs. His hands are gripping my thighs, and it's starting to hurt.<br/>“You really want me to leave a mark? To scar you?” I ask Oikawa. He mumbles words of approval and digs his head father into my shirt, which is now wet with his tears.<br/>“Fine then, I’ll scar you.” I say with a sigh. Oikawa perks up when he hears this, and makes eye contact with me for the first time this morning. “But it’s not going to be physical. I’m not going to cut you, or hit you, or burn you. But you’ll get the scar you want.” I assure.<br/>“Wha- Iwa, how?” Oikawa says, his voice breaking. <br/>“I’m going to scar you mentally. I am going to tear apart your self perspective, and rid you of your insecurities and self doubt, and I’m going to replace them with self love and praise.”<br/>“No, Iwa, I don’t deserve that.” Oikawa whines.<br/>“Well then don’t think of it as a reward. Think of it as my way of punishing you for your bad habits.”<br/>“Well then you aren’t even leaving a scar! How am I supposed to stop myself from doing stupid things if I don’t have a physical mark to remind me of what happened last time?” Complains Oikawa.<br/>“Well what better way to scar you than by changing the way you think. Bruises fade, cuts heal, but you will never stop perceiving yourself. It’s a constant reminder that I changed you, and now I am a part of you. I know you Oikawa, and I know that you can’t stop tingling about yourself, your wants, your needs. If you can’t think of yourself without thinking of me, then it serves the purpose of a scar. You won’t be able to forget it, or make it go away, it will always be with you. So if anything, the type of scar I promise is much more enticing.” <br/>Oikawa seems to contemplate my words for a moment before letting out a breathy sigh. “You shouldn’t have to do this for me. Why can’t you just hurt me, so that we can both move on with our lives? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you.” he says, rising from his spot on the couch.<br/>“Hey!” I say loudly, grabbing my boyfriend's wrist to stop him from leaving. “I’m not gonna hurt you because that's what assholes do. They hurt you, then leave you, and I’m not going to leave you. I’m not gonna hurt you because you would realize one day, that I was just another asshole, and that you deserve better.”<br/>“No I don’t, that’s exactly what I deserve.” Oikawa says, tugging his wrist out of my hand. He walks slowly over to the door, giving my plenty of time to make a move to stop him.<br/>It’s becoming quite clear that words won’t be enough to make him stay, but I refuse to overpower him physically. Even though he’s taller, I’m stronger, and he knows it. I’m sure he would love nothing more than for me to get angry and take it out on him. <br/>“Hey come back!” I say, springing off the sofa. Oikawa, who is now standing in the doorframe between my apartment and the hallway outside, turns around to listen to me. “I don’t want to hear you talking about yourself like that.”<br/>“Like what?” Oikawa asks. Does he really not realize he’s doing it?<br/>“Like you’re a burden. I don’t want to hear you apologizing for your existence anymore, because you have nothing to be sorry for. Alright?” I ask.<br/>“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Oikawa says, stepping out of my apartment. Shit, I can’t lose him. If I let him go now, I don’t know that I’ll ever get him back, and even if I do, I don’t know that he’ll be the same Oikawa I know.<br/>“Hey! Get back here.” I demand. I wince slightly at my own words. They are harsh and commanding, but they’re the only type that Oikawa will listen to. As I expected, he tenses up, and turns around to face me again.<br/>“You don’t get to walk away from me like that.” I say, my voice still stern. I hate doing this, but it’s the only way to make him stay, to keep him safe. Oikawa smiles, glad that he finally got his way, and walks back over to me. <br/>I point to the floor space in front of me, silently commanding Oikawa to the place. He quietly obeys, moving to spot in front of me. A wave of disgust pours over me. I urge myself to find another way to make Oikawa stay, without hurting him. Suddenly, it comes to me. It’s not ideal, but I think it will do. <br/>“Show me your arms.” I demand, Oikawa hesitates, but reluctantly holds his arms out. Taking advantage of his hesitation, I grab his wrists and pin him against the floor. <br/>“Hey!” Oikawa shouts, realizing that my intentions are not to add to the collections of cuts on his forearms. He starts to kick his legs, and tried to pulls his arms out from under me, but my grip is too strong.<br/>Once he stops kicking, I pull his wrists together and hold them with one hand, while placing my other over his mouth to muffle the shouts coming out of it.<br/>“Listen to me carefully, Oikawa. I’m going to ask you yes or no questions, and you’re going to answer by nodding or shaking your head, got that?” I say, still using a stern tone.<br/>“Do you believe that I am somehow better than you?” I ask. Oikawa stares me down, his eyes filled with rage and sadness. He swallows, and nods.<br/>“And do you want to see me happy?” Tears well up in his eyes, and spill down the side of his face. He nods yes. <br/>“And would you do something to make me happy?” I ask. Oikawa hesitates for a moment, but nods.<br/>“Good, because there is something that you could do for me, that would make me very, very happy. Do you think you could take a shower for me?” I ask.<br/>Oikawa’s breathing gets choppy, so I remove my hand from his mouth, allowing him to breath out of his mouth again. He doesn’t reply to my question so I ask again gently.<br/>“Please baby? For me?” I ask gently, using the hand that isn’t holding his wrists down to stroke his cheek gently, wiping the tears away.<br/>“Yeah, I think I could do that.” Oikawa says quietly. I smile down at him, and cautiously move my hand off of his wrists. He makes no attempt to move them, so I pull off of his body, and offer a hand to help him stand up.<br/>“Good job, baby. You know I’m proud of you, right?” I ask, rubbing Oikawa's back as I guide him to the shower. Oikawa doesn’t reply, so I say again, “Because I am, you’re a wonderful person, and I am so, so proud of you.” <br/>“Stop.” Oikawa says firmly. I wait for him to elaborate, but it seems that was all he planned to say.<br/>“No. I’m not going to stop praising you, not until you realize that it’s all true. They aren’t little lies I feed you to pull you out of a slump, they’re true. Every single one.” I insist. Oikawa huffs at me, and walks into the bathroom. I hear the click of a lock some from inside the bathroom.<br/>“Hey don’t try anything, I’ve got the keys to the door right here, so I can get in if I need.” I don’t know what exactly Oikawa would do, but he’s smart enough to find some kind of way to hurt himself. An uneasy feeling comes over me, imagining the possibilities. <br/>“Hey Oikawa?” I shout so that he can hear me over the sound of the shower water. “Are you alright?” <br/>“Jesus Christ, Iwaiumi, I’m taking a shower, not the ACTs, there isn’t much that can go wrong here.” Oikawa groans from inside the shower.<br/>“Are you sure you’re alright?” I shout back. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is happening, something that shouldn’t happen.<br/>“Y-yeah, I’m fine.” Oikawa says, his voice getting higher as he continues speaking. Not alright, he sounds like he's in pain. <br/>“I’m coming in.” I state, grabbing the keys to the bathroom. <br/>“No! Iwa you can’t! I’m-I’m naked.” Oikawa shouts. His need for privacy confirms that he’s hiding something, probably doing something he shouldn’t be doing.<br/>“Oikawa, we’ve had sex like a million times, I’ve seen you naked before.” I say, unlocking the door. “And besides, your body's beautif- OIKAWA!” I scream.<br/>My boyfriend is standing in the shower, water pelting his face, in just his sweatpants, which are drenched now. The water at the bottom of the tub is a color of orangish red, probably from being mixed with the blood that he is drawing from his arm.<br/>I shove the shower curtain away, and pull the shiny metal object out of his hand. He must have taken apart the razor on my bathroom sink and used the blade to cut himself. I toss it into the garbage can, and grab Oikawa’s arm, which is now sliced open. <br/>“I’m sorry Iwa. You weren't supposed to come in, you weren't supposed to see me like this.” explains Oikawa.<br/>“It’s going to be alright. I can fix this.” I say, assuring myself just as much as my partner. I turn the water off, and grab a towel. I do my best to think back to seventh grade health class, when we were taught how to treat wounds. Apply pressure until the bleeding stops.<br/>I wrap the towel around Oikawa’s bloody arm, and start to get dizzy watching how quickly the cream colored towel turns red, soaking in Oikawa’s blood. <br/>“I think, I think I have to take you to the hospital.” I say, starting to feel slightly lightheaded. The room reeks of iron, and the smell is intoxicating.<br/>“No, Iwa, please. Please I can’t go to the hospital. I can take care of it here. I just- I can’t go back there.” Oikawa begs. <br/>Oikawa was really close to his grandmother, and she died a few years back of cancer. He spent every minute he could beside her, in the hospital. Hoping that she would get better. When she died, Oikawa blamed himself for not being there for her, and the doctors for not being able to save her. As a result, Oikawa avoids hospitals at all costs.<br/>“I don’t know what to do.” I say, starting to panic. The towel is now dripping with Oikawa’s blood, and I don’t know how to stop it.<br/>“I do.” Oikawa says. He gently pushes me back, not out of the room,  but just so I'm not hovering around him. He pulls the t-shirt that he was wearing earlier today off the counter, and wraps it tightly around his cut. <br/>I watch in awe as he stops the bleeding and dresses his wound so that it doesn't get infected, and can heal properly. <br/>“How did you know to do that?” I ask him, still shocked from the whole thing.<br/>“Experience.” Oikawa says, dismissively. “Where do you keep your coffee?” he asks, opening cabinets in the kitchen.<br/>“Wait, don’t change the subject like that. Why did you do that? Were you trying to kill yourself?” I ask. Oikawa simply shrugs in response, going through more draws in search of coffee. How can he be so casual about this?<br/>“Not necessarily, it’s more like I wanted an escape.” He explains casually.<br/>“An escape from what, Oikawa?  You aren’t telling me something. What happened after our fight? Why didn’t you pick up the phone?” I ask. In Oikawa’s lack of response, I answer my own questions.<br/>“Some asshole touched you. And if I had to guess, you were fine with it at first. Then later on in the night, you realized that it wasn’t what you wanted. You tried to leave, but they wouldn’t let you, and got violent. Then you felt guilty about it, and came here hoping that I would hurt you as a ‘punishment’ for what happened. Am I right?” I ask<br/>“Wow,” Oikawa says, stunned, “You read me like a book. Tell me, what exactly gave it away?” Oikawa asks.<br/>“I had to work backwards, there weren’t a whole lot of reasons why you would turn up at my apartment like you did, begging me to hurt you. And later on, you flinched when I rubbed your back. That's when I started to suspect someone had hit you while you were away. And when I had you pinned down, it was clear that you felt you needed to make something up to me, I could tell you did something that you anticipated me getting angry over. And the way you rejected praise, normally you get cocky when I praise you, and now you deny it entirely, it’s pretty clear that someone made you feel worthless.” I explain.<br/>“Now just promise me this, promise me that you won’t blame yourself for anything that happened then, and promise me that you won’t try to hurt yourself again.” I plead. <br/>“But Iwa-chan, it was my fault.” argues Oikawa.<br/>“No, no it’s not. You made a bad choice, but you realized that, and tried to fix it. Everything after that wasn’t your fault at all. And I don’t blame you for any of it.” I say, pulling Oikawa into a hug. “Now can we please get some sleep?” I ask, pulling Oikawa over to my bed.<br/>“Alright Iwa-chan, but I want my coffee tomorrow morning.” Oikawa says playfully. “I love you Iwa-chan.” Oikawa mumbles.<br/>Holding tightly onto my boyfriend, I reply, “I love you too, Oikawa.”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>